My NBA Playoff Predictions

[It’s ON Baby! Roll Your Socks Up, um, or something.]

Hello Sports Fans! It’s that time of the year again – spring – which means that great American pastime, NBA playoff basketball, is here again. This has definitely been the most competitive season in a long time, with a lot of surprise stories coming out of what is considered the world’s best basketball league. Unfortunately, our Portland Trailblazers will not be making an appearance. (Get well soon, Greg Oden! Quit playin’ pick-up games at 24 hour fitness in Tualatin and eating 12-packs of Safeway hot dogs for damn breakfast. Let’s do this man. Step away from the Voodoo Doughnuts.)

So let’s talk playoff predictions. But before I do that, I feel the need to stream some consciousness on the subjects of certain players, the NBA in general, ladies with breast implants in the Greater Los Angeles area, and other sundry topics which shall arise, at my sole discretion, and your light-hearted indulgence (read on for more):

Kevin Garnett

This guy is having an outstanding season. I love the way he has embraced the city of Boston and the Celtics style of playing the game. He has an edge and a fire that is a joy to watch. Very vibrant, the Celts will be a force to be reckoned with, and probably win it all.

Paul Pierce

I can’t wait to see this guy in the playoffs. I think he is going to light up everyone in the East. I just feel like this is his year and he has a great team to help him, which he has been waiting for. Look for Paul Pierce to come out BIG TIME and have a few 30-point games.

LeBron James

I think this guy is overrated, as DeShawn Stevenson said. He’s a very, very good basketball player but he is simply not graceful or subtle, which are two qualities that show in great playoff-caliber players at the right time (Magic, Michael Jordan, Bird, Dennis Johnson, Kevin McHale). What I mean is, Le - ‘brawn’ relies too much on his raw athleticism to be a complete athlete. Sure he is fine in the NBA regular season when this type of thing is encouraged, and everyone is holding up your ego with their chins. For me, he is not very exciting to watch and I think his team is also quite mediocre, except for his Brazilian teammate who really shows heart (which is why people love him, they wish there were American players who played like this, but there are not (except for KG, see above).

While I’m on the subject, have you noticed that SportsCenter will show a highlight in which the Cavaliers lose by 10 points and it will be full of nothing but Lebron dunking? WTF? Boring. Why are you rewarding this freakin’ ape-man mentality for a losing effort? Because Lebron is worth money, but I think more in the short-term. When I see this, I am not inspired in the ‘Airness’ or ‘Magic’ sense. I think the magazine cover for Vogue he did was definitely High Art and said it all.

This is generally why the U.S. pretty much lays an egg at international competitions. American players generally lack finesse, with the exception of Robert Horry / Bruce Bowen / Chris Paul / Deron Williams / Boozer / James Posey type players who just get the job done and don’t care about being in highlights, and use the least amount of action to accomplish the greatest result. (Hello Spurs and Jazz!) These are the people on the team who are indispensable, because they don’t care about glory, they are just trying to help people in their circle to get over the top.

Reminds me of Carolina Basketball. Not this season though. Doh.

Anyway, moving on…

Ginobili!

I think this guy is the best player in the NBA along with K.G. The American press is too jingoistic to admit that the best player at any time can be from any place in the world, and that American athletes are not better because of some freakin’ Teddy Roosevelt / Captain America / Starship Troopers gene. Thank God the refs call the game (mostly) fairly so that we can see the international players play the right way. Tony Parker, Tim Duncan (Virgin Islands, not the states), and Ginobili are the best at takin’ it to our American players, and they make me proud to be a Citizen of the World, where great things can happen if you believe. (Except in Tibet, where great things used to happen, but by all accounts great things are on hold at the moment).

(I wish Ginobili would come play for the Trailblazers when he gets older and play with Brandon Roy and Greg Oden. That’d be sick. Brandon Roy, in my mind, can be the best player in the NBA if he chooses – he has that finesse and high basketball I.Q. that will take him far. I just think he needs to decide he wants it and it is his. He has to realize that he cannot play the big / athletic game, but he can inspire others and have the greatest success.)

Anyway, I hope Ginobili has another excellent playoff season and demonstrates his ’skillz’ for the world, so we can see a person who cares about helping his team win go far, in a league which is mostly about overrating its stars. Go Manu!

Kobe

Kobe would probably be a badass at anything he did. I think he could pick up a guitar and in about two days he’d be playing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ or ‘Little Wing’ like a motherfucker. He is so talented, mentally tough, and driven to succeed, it’d be easy for him. However, he is no Michael Jordan. Remember Jordan shot 52% from the field his rookie year and 49.7% for his career. His freakin’ career. ! Hello, half of his shots went in the basket. And he was a shooting guard. Unbelievable. That guy had mental discipline like nobody’s business. It must have been due to the Zen meditation that he and Phil Jackson would do at practice.

There will never, (pause) ever, (pause) ever, (pause again) be another MJ. And thank God, I think the league got screwed up when he dominated so much. Motherfucker turned me off of basketball for like 7 years.

Oh well this is 08, it’s great, and team play has returned. The 90s are dead! Long live the 90s! (Go Blazers!)

I think Kobe will go crazy in the playoffs, and he will get help from the refs, who will give him all kinds of calls. But that is a shame because he should have to prove that he is of the caliber of MJ to be getting all of those whistles, and that he can shoot a high percentage from the field. A team like Utah or Boston will put some serious defense on him. The thing is, the Lakers are so good now as a team that it will help his ‘MJ’ status, and all the fake-boobed movie stars in L.A. will swoon for him, along with Jack Nicholson and Diane Cannon. It will be ‘The Legend of Kobe’ told over and over, again and again around the campfires of the great Western states. The boy who, named after a Japanese steak house in Philadelphia by his parents, moved to California and went on to become an international superstar…. But he ain’t no MJ!

Gettin’ All Nostradamus on Ya

Without further ado, let’s get to the playoff predictions:

Eastern Conference
Washington OVER Cleveland

I believe Gilbert, Caron, and company are going to beat the Cavs in 6. They are a better TEAM overall and should take this one… and then:

Boston OVER Washington

Of course.

Orlando OVER Detroit

I think Turkoglu and Dwight Howard are going to put a whoopin on the motor city boys. Game 7 will end with a heroic shot by Hedo to win the game and the glory, setting up:

Boston OVER Orlando

Boston will win in 6 games to go on to the finals. The city of Boston goes absolutely bananas! Punters in bars spill out into the streets after hours, carousin’ and carrying on, like well, most Saturday nights. Except it’s a Tuesday for Christ’s sake. Quit yer yappin ya drunken bastard. Fer the love of…put that away before you hurt yourself. Think you’re funny do ya? (end bad Irish accent).

People will get married who really shouldn’t, on a whim, or even (dare I say it – a dare!) Babies will be conceived, who will eventually grow up, and move west, enlarging (to our collective sigh) the numbers of the Red Sox / Celtics / Patriots ‘diaspora.’ New Englanders rejoice! It will be mayhem and madness. Oh it’ll be great craic. (Note I have never actually been to Boston. I just have this image in my head from the collective consciousness and too many episodes of Cheers as a kid).

Western Conference

Lakers OVER Denver

The Kob-ster will not be denied. 6 games max.

Utah OVER Houston

Too much Deron Williams, too many Korver threes. Salt Lake city will go bananas… babies will be conceived… Mormons will – (OK I’ll stop now)

Phoenix OVER San Antone

This is a tough one to pick, but I think the Suns will have their number this time. Ginobili will probably carry the Spurs, but Shaq will neutralize Duncan, and Grant Hill, Leandro Barbosa, and Raja Bell will make open shots. Amare Stoudemire will get like 35 a night. Phoenix in 6.

Dallas OVER New Orleans

Dallas is just too good for them now that they have Jason Kidd. Mavericks in 5.

Ding Ding! Round 2…

Lakers OVER Utah

I think this will go 7 games, with L.A. pulling out game 6. Basically Deron Williams cannot be stopped, so Kobe will have to get crazy every night and score like 40 for games 5,6, and 7 for the Lakers to win, but they will do it. More celebrating in L.A. Jack Nicholson is feelin’ frisky, and he might get some, so watch out ladies of Malibu!

Phoenix OVER Dallas

This will be a classic series and perhaps the best of the playoffs so far. Steve Nash and Jason Kidd will go at it, and I think it will basically be a draw. The difference will be that Dallas will not be able to come inside of the paint, because of Shaq, and they will have no defense for Stoudemire. Dirk will be Dirk but he can’t do it by himself. Jason Terry will probably lay an egg, which will allow Barbosa to get busy and score 30 one night. Setting up…

Phoenix OVER Los Angeles

Bet you didn’t see that coming, did you? That’s right, Phoenix will beat L.A. because Shaq will not be denied, and Stoudemire will dominate inside, as Shaq will neutralize Gasol, and Bynum (if he comes back) will prove to be overrated. This thing will go 7 games, but in game 7 Nash will play out of his freakin dome and dominate the Lakers guards. Sasha Vujacic will come back next year better than ever and Derek Fisher will go home to his family and his 3 rings to watch the finals, which will feature:

Celtics OVER Phoenix

Too much Ray Allen in the final, too much Garnett, too much James Posey playing defense on everybody. Celtics win in 6. This will be the best party Boston has seen since the 80s and they will hang their latest championship banner.

And I’m not even a Celtics fan. I have to pick them, they are the best team and they won’t be denied.

Final Thoughts

And so it goes… this is either my fantasy wet dream of the NBA playoffs which will never happen, or reality! Who knows? But it’s fun to imagine.

Next Year? Go Blazers! G. Oden in the micky ficky hizzy, blee-yatch!